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Sunday, December 05, 2010

Man... What goes up must come down..

Today has been an interesting one. Got up early, and went for brunch with my daughter, brother, father, and his wife, for his birthday. He turned 60 last Wednesday. We went to Stoneface Dolly's on Preston street. I just LOVE there brunch. It's fantastic. Got home, and spent the day with my daughter.

I spoke with Melanie today... and she mentioned a few things to me that I hadn't realized in the past. About how I am, and the internal struggles, and pain I'm going through. It was nice, but VERY difficult to hear. I realize that I have a few things to work on. Mainly loving myself. You see I have the tendency to rely on others for happiness and comfort. I haven't quite figured out how to find it from within. It's a process that will take time. I'm confident that with the right guidance and proper counseling, I will find inner peace. I just have to have faith.

I seem to have developed this manipulative protection mechanism to deal with my fears of loss, and abandonment. Unfortunately this manipulation has caused a great deal of pain to those around me that I love, and care about deeply. It's as though I subconsciously bring them down my level, to feel better about myself - so that they don't seem superior to me. In doing so, I crush their spirit, and leave them feeling vulnerable, like an open wound. I understand that the people involved have a certain responsibility to there own feelings, but sometimes when you are manipulated, it makes you question your feelings, and can convince you that you are wrong, and that the manipulator is correct. This "game" of building, and destroying can go on a LONG time, until the manipulated party is finally so emotionally crushed, that they have a real hard time picking themselves back up. Once they do however, they see what has happened, and wind up feeling VERY resentful to the manipulator in question. This is more or less what I went through... as the manipulator, and I realize now that it's something I've done in past relationships as well. I just hope through the grace of god, and his light, that I can overcome this, start fresh, and be the true person that I am, and long to be.


Andie said...

Well, I don't think I have ever felt manipulated by you. Frustrated that you are VERY stubborn, yes. I am glad though that you are working on yourself and I know you are taking good steps to a more mentally healthy you, so kuddos!

Matt Davis said...

Thanks... Geezus... I almost called you bro... lol ;)

But yea. Thank you Andie.. I appreciate that. I think spirituality is the thing I was missing in my life. If you get the chance... dig up the old Hoffman CDs... pretty intense stuff. I just did the river of life on Sunday, and felt REALLY good. :)